(Hello you total fools, wait till you hear this...)
Tonight, I can report to the American people and to the world that the United States has conducted an operation that killed Osama bin Laden, the leader of al-Qaida, and a terrorist who's responsible for the murder of thousands of innocent men, women, and children.
(Tonight I can report that the man we decided should be seen as the perpetrator of the murder led by the American government, is dead - again.)
It was nearly 10 years ago that a bright September day was darkened by the worst attack on the American people in our history. The images of 9/11 are seared into our national memory - hijacked planes cutting through a cloudless September sky; the Twin Towers collapsing to the ground; black smoke billowing up from the Pentagon; the wreckage of Flight 93 in Shanksville, Pennsylvania, where the actions of heroic citizens saved even more heartbreak and destruction.
(We certainly did not, did not, allow FOUR commercial aircraft to go totally unnoticed for many minutes and without military intervention! The twin towers were brought down via controlled demolition, there was no wreckage in Shanksville, but hell we're gonna keep telling you they didn't! Our heroic citizens didn't actually do what we say they did but shhh, who cares...)
And yet we know that the worst images are those that were unseen to the world. The empty seat at the dinner table. Children who were forced to grow up without their mother or their father. Parents who would never know the feeling of their child's embrace. Nearly 3,000 citizens taken from us, leaving a gaping hole in our hearts.
(Which your own government was responsible for but you idiots will keep thinking we weren't)
On September 11, 2001, in our time of grief, the American people came together. We offered our neighbors a hand, and we offered the wounded our blood. We reaffirmed our ties to each other, and our love of community and country. On that day, no matter where we came from, what God we prayed to, or what race or ethnicity we were, we were united as one American family.
(Doesn't matter who you are, your all gullible and let us get away with murder - literally!)
We were also united in our resolve to protect our nation and to bring those who committed this vicious attack to justice.
(Despite having a pre-planned programme to go to war)
We quickly learned that the 9/11 attacks were carried out by al-Qaida - an organization headed by Osama bin Laden, which had openly declared war on the United States and was committed to killing innocents in our country and around the globe. And so we went to war against al Qaida to protect our citizens, our friends, and our allies.
(Despite assuring the American public and the world that proof of Al-Qaida's guilt would be forthcoming in the days after it was announced, we forgot to honour that pledge and decided to attack anyway...)
Over the last 10 years, thanks to the tireless and heroic work of our military and our counterterrorism professionals, we've made great strides in that effort. We've disrupted terrorist attacks and strengthened our homeland defense.
(We have made it look like we have spent years looking for him but we actually haven't but who's listening...)
In Afghanistan, we removed the Taliban government, which had given bin Laden and al-Qaida safe haven and support. And around the globe, we worked with our friends and allies to capture or kill scores of al-Qaida terrorists, including several who were a part of the 9/11 plot.
(There were definitely NOT named terrorits of 9/11 who were later reported and confirmed as still being alive.)
Yet Osama bin Laden avoided capture and escaped across the Afghan border into Pakistan. Meanwhile, al-Qaida continued to operate from along that border and operate through its affiliates across the world.
(We let bin Laden go before 9/11 and a month after it but you don't need to know that so we won't tell you)
And so shortly after taking office, I directed Leon Panetta, the director of the CIA, to make the killing or capture of bin Laden the top priority of our war against al-Qaida, even as we continued our broader efforts to disrupt, dismantle, and defeat his network.
(I instructed the head of the CIA to make me look good by letting me confirm to the world that we had killed bin Laden so we can provide momentary relief from the financial strife blighting our country...)
Then, last August, after years of painstaking work by our intelligence community, I was briefed on a possible lead to bin Laden. It was far from certain, and it took many months to run this thread to ground. I met repeatedly with my national security team as we developed more information about the possibility that we had located bin Laden hiding within a compound deep inside of Pakistan. And finally, last week, I determined that we had enough intelligence to take action, and authorized an operation to get Osama bin Laden and bring him to justice.
(Do you really think we would spend MONTHS just watching him? Ha, you fools! Of course we wouldn't but that's sure as hell what we're gonna tell you we did!)
Today, at my direction, the United States launched a targeted operation against that compound in Abbottabad, Pakistan. A small team of Americans carried out the operation with extraordinary courage and capability. No Americans were harmed. They took care to avoid civilian casualties. After a firefight, they killed Osama bin Laden and took custody of his body.
For over two decades, bin Laden has been al-Qaida's leader and symbol, and has continued to plot attacks against our country and our friends and allies. The death of bin Laden marks the most significant achievement to date in our nation's effort to defeat al-Qaeda.
Yet his death does not mark the end of our effort. There's no doubt that al-Qaida will continue to pursue attacks against us. We must - and we will - remain vigilant at home and abroad.
(We will keep raising the alarm every time we see fit but will continue to release proof to back up our claims of increased threats.)
As we do, we must also reaffirm that the United States is not - and never will be - at war with Islam. I've made clear, just as President Bush did shortly after 9/11, that our war is not against Islam. Bin Laden was not a Muslim leader; he was a mass murderer of Muslims. Indeed, al-Qaida has slaughtered scores of Muslims in many countries, including our own. So his demise should be welcomed by all who believe in peace and human dignity.
(Our actions have brought an Islamic-led hatred against us because our war efforts were unjust back in 2001 and we had to blame him after our American government was responsible for the mass murders on US soil nearly ten years ago.)
Over the years, I've repeatedly made clear that we would take action within Pakistan if we knew where bin Laden was. That is what we've done. But it's important to note that our counterterrorism cooperation with Pakistan helped lead us to bin Laden and the compound where he was hiding. Indeed, bin Laden had declared war against Pakistan as well, and ordered attacks against the Pakistani people.
(Even though he died a few years ago...)
Tonight, I called President Zardari, and my team has also spoken with their Pakistani counterparts. They agree that this is a good and historic day for both of our nations. And going forward, it is essential that Pakistan continue to join us in the fight against al-Qaida and its affiliates.
(if they do not, we'll impose sanctions against them so it is in their interests to join the rest of the world and jump when we tell them too.)
The American people did not choose this fight. It came to our shores, and started with the senseless slaughter of our citizens.
(We let those planes crash into the towers, brought down the towers and fed you gullible fools a story you still believe is true!)
After nearly 10 years of service, struggle, and sacrifice, we know well the costs of war. These efforts weigh on me every time I, as Commander-in-Chief, have to sign a letter to a family that has lost a loved one, or look into the eyes of a service member who's been gravely wounded.
(I hate having to sign these letters because I know what really happened and to be honest, it wastes much of my time)
So Americans understand the costs of war. Yet as a country, we will never tolerate our security being threatened, nor stand idly by when our people have been killed.
(And we won't wait for clear-cut evidence to prove our 'enemies' guilt)
We will be relentless in defense of our citizens and our friends and allies. We will be true to the values that make us who we are. And on nights like this one, we can say to those families who have lost loved ones to al-Qaida's terror: Justice has been done.
(We will be relentless in the slaughter of innocent women and children abroad to kill a man already dead and therefore we take great pleasure in announcing his 'death' as Justice being done. Even though bringing the previous government to trial would be the true case of justice being done.)
Tonight, we give thanks to the countless intelligence and counterterrorism professionals who've worked tirelessly to achieve this outcome. The American people do not see their work, nor know their names. But tonight, they feel the satisfaction of their work and the result of their pursuit of justice.
(Not that I'm assuming anything but you fools are stupid enough to believe me so I'll say it anyway)
We give thanks for the men who carried out this operation, for they exemplify the professionalism, patriotism, and unparalleled courage of those who serve our country. And they are part of a generation that has borne the heaviest share of the burden since that September day.
Finally, let me say to the families who lost loved ones on 9/11 that we have never forgotten your loss, nor wavered in our commitment to see that we do whatever it takes to prevent another attack on our shores.
(We haven't forgotten your loss but do you really think we're going to let the real perpetrators meet justice? Ha, as if we would!)
And tonight, let us think back to the sense of unity that prevailed on 9/11. I know that it has, at times, frayed. Yet today's achievement is a testament to the greatness of our country and the determination of the American people.
The cause of securing our country is not complete. But tonight, we are once again reminded that America can do whatever we set our mind to. That is the story of our history, whether it's the pursuit of prosperity for our people, or the struggle for equality for all our citizens; our commitment to standity for our people, or the struggle for equality for all our citizens; our commitment to stand up for our values abroad, and our sacrifices to make the world a safer place.
Let us remember that we can do these things not just because of wealth or power, but because of who we are: one nation, under God, indivisible, with liberty and justice for all.
(we can do these things because no-one will stop us due to the propaganda machine being in full flow and we're being billed as the crusaders and not the murderers we are)
Thank you. May God bless you. And may God bless the United States of America.
(Thank you for listening and believing it you total gullible people)